Creepy Crawly!

Today, the biggest spider I have seen in my life decided to come to 4th grade music class. Here is a written re-enactment of the scene:

Student: Um, Mrs. Lillie? There's a spider!

Mrs. Lillie: Where? scream, runs to back of the room

All students: I'll kill it! I can do it!

the P.E. teacher walks by the music room

Mrs. Lillie: MR. LOMAX!!! COME BACK!

speech therapist hears my screams, opens the door

Speech therapist: What's wrong? Oh my gosh! That spider is huge! Mr. Lomax come back!

a paraeducator walks by, looks as the spider, and stomps it. She leaves.

Mrs. Lillie: (thinking, What do I do now? I don't want to touch it, even in a kleenex!) Okay kids, tell me more about the jazz museum... (takes 10+ kleenexes out of the box)

Student: Well, we saw Ella Fitzgerald's dress...

Mrs. Lillie: (picks up the spider with all 10 kleenexes) Aaaauuuuugh!!!! (as she runs across the room with 10+ kleenexes and dead spider in hand and flings it into the trash can)

All students: rolling on the floor laughing at the crazy, spider fearing music teacher

reality check

I know often I post about my health. This is an everyday reality for me, but today I was given a little reality check.

A lot of times I get so frustrated when others complain about their little ailments. When someone tells me "Oh, my back is hurting a little today, I must have a stiff muscle" I get SUPER resentful and want to scream "Oh yeah? I DON'T CARE." Or when someone tells me they are tired (I do give a break to those with kids :)...), I want to tell them, "Yeah? Were your comps and thesis due last week? And you spent 30+ hours working on them, plus working your two jobs? While you were in intense physical pain the whole time???" I have noticed my empathy has been completely lacking the last few months.

Tonight I read a CarePages blog of a childhood friend I have, who's 7 year old son has leukemia. What a reality check. Who am I to be non-empathetic? Who am I to get upset? How selfish I have been. I should be loving, caring and compassionate, not holding my problems above everyone else. Thankfully, Christ is the model for love and compassion when my selfishness gets in the way.

We sang this song at church today, and I was in tears. I will end the blog with a quote from this song:

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane I am the tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and glory.

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful you are

And how great your affections are for me.

And Oh, how He loves us so.

Oh, how He loves us,

How he loves us so.

Did you know September is Chronic Pain Awareness month? I found this on the American Chronic Pain Association website today.

Ten Steps

Ten Steps from Patient to Person

Making the journey from patient to person takes time. The isolation and fear that can overwhelm a person with chronic pain grows over time. And the return to a fuller, more rewarding life also takes time.

It’s a journey with many phases. The ACPA describes these phases as Ten Steps.

The ACPA’s Ten Steps For Moving From Patient To Person.

STEP 1: Accept the Pain
Learn all you can about your physical condition. Understand that there may be no current cure and accept that you will need to deal with the fact of pain in your life.

STEP 2: Get Involved
Take an active role in your own recovery. Follow your doctor's advice and ask what you can do to move from a passive role into one of partnership in your own health care.

STEP 3: Learn to Set Priorities
Look beyond your pain to the things that are important in your life. List the things that you would like to do. Setting priorities can help you find a starting point to lead you back into a more active life.

STEP 4: Set Realistic Goals
We all walk before we run. Set goals that are within your power to accomplish or break a larger goal down into manageable steps. And take time to enjoy your successes.

STEP 5: Know Your Basic Rights
We all have basic rights. Among these are the right to be treated with respect, to say no without guilt, to do less than humanly possible, to make mistakes, and to not need to justify your decisions, with words or pain.

STEP 6: Recognize Emotions
Our bodies and minds are one. Emotions directly affect physical well being. By acknowledging and dealing with your feelings, you can reduce stress and decrease the pain you feel.

STEP 7: Learn to Relax
Pain increases in times of stress. Relaxation exercises are one way of reclaiming control of your body. Deep breathing, visualization, and other relaxation techniques can help you to better manage the pain you live with.

STEP 8: Exercise
Most people with chronic pain fear exercise. But unused muscles feel more pain than toned flexible ones. With your doctor, identify a modest exercise program that you can do safely. As you build strength, your pain can decrease. You'll feel better about yourself, too.

STEP 9: See the Total Picture
As you learn to set priorities, reach goals, assert your basic rights, deal with your feelings, relax, and regain control of your body, you will see that pain does not need to be the center of your life. You can choose to focus on your abilities, not your disabilities. You will grow stronger in your belief that you can live a normal life in spite of chronic pain.

STEP 10: Reach Out
It is estimated that one person in three suffers with some form of chronic pain. Once you have begun to find ways to manage your chronic pain problem, reach out and share what you know. Living with chronic pain is an ongoing learning experience. We all support and learn from each other.

Bryson's COR internship

This semester, Bryson got an internship at Church of the Resurrection in Leewood, KS. If you are not hardcore Methodist, you may not know about this church. It is a United Methodist church of approximately 18,000 members. The pastor, Adam Hamilton has written many books, including one of the many books that have gotten me through the last 15 months, Why? Making Sense of God's Will. Pastor Adam Hamilton is an incredible preacher and leader of this church.

This week, Bryson has really started into the heart of his internship with COR. He has sent me many text messages about how awesome his week has been. He has gotten to meet Adam Hamilton, and we both get to go to his house for dinner in December. I am so incredibly proud of all that Bryson is doing right now, and what an amazing experience he is getting through this internship! I know that soon he will be such a great spiritual leader for many people in a church. What a wonderful man God blessed me with.

Peace in the squeeze

Yesterday I had my fourth MRI in a year. The doctor thinks I have a benign tumor on one of my nerves in addition to a pretty bad buldging disc. He wanted to do another MRI before we do surgery. I have learned to do pretty well in MRIs. If you've never had an MRI, they are not super pleasant. You go in a small tube that just barely big enough for you, and it is VERY loud and noisy. Mine have lasted between 30-45 minutes. The one yesterday, I also got the joy of an IV and contrast being injected in my veins. I close my eyes and sing praise music in my head to the rhythm of the machine. My third MRI was at Research Hospital and they asked me if I wanted to listen to music. I said, "Sure!" They said, "What do you want to listen to? We have everything." I said, "Um, how about jazz?" So they played jazz. I ended up blocking out the music eventually to go back to my usual praise music in my head. Yesterday, I asked, "Do you use Pandora? Can I listen to Audrey Assad?" It was the most incredibly peaceful moment of my whole week. Things have been absolutely crazy at school and getting thesis work. But even in a small tube with loud banging going on, I felt completely at peace. Some Hillsong, Audrey Assad and other wonderful music played. I can't remember all of what was playing, but I did listen to the words. One song talked about God being there, through the tears and the pain. I felt God holding me yesterday through that test. I know that God is with me through all of this. There are often times where I only see darkness, and do not feel this peace. I may not always feel it like I did yesterday, but I hold to the words of Desert Song by Hillsong (which is one song that came on!):

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that is in my feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame.

We all go through times of squeezing. Whether it's in an MRI tube, at a job, or at home, hopefully you can feel peace through the trials by relying on the Lord even in the tight times.

Lord, through all trials, grant us your peace. Let us remember to worship You in the desert, in the fire, in the trials, as well as the harvest. While your will may not be to heal the body right now, please stay with us, walk with us, and hold us. Refine us. Remind us of your presence when all we can see is darkness, and bring us out of the darkness into the peace of your love and grace.

...have your way

We are sitting on another eve of yet another doctor's appointment. The appointment tomorrow will go over all the nasty tests that I have had the last few week. Tomorrow, life could drastically change with a solution to my pain. Or it could remain the same. Once again, I am praying for peace and patience with the appointment tomorrow. The last few days have been awful and I've barely been able to walk. I feel like I shouldn't hope, but yet once again, I am hoping, praying and pleading for a solution. I know that MY will is to be healed, NOW. I know that God's will is for me to be healed... but on His timing. I don't know why I haven't been healed yet, but I am trying to trust God's plan.

There has been so much music that has spoken to me through these times. These are a few truths, through music, that have gotten me through the last 16 months.

Brit Nicole, Have Your Way

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

But I'll trust you, God, with where I am

And believe that you will have your way

Just have your way.

Jars of Clay, Valley Song

Though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed, greater waters

Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of your mercies

That lead me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy.

Audrey Assad, Show Me

Bind up these broken bones

Mercy bend a bring me back to life

But not before you show me how to die

... God, for now, just stay with me.

Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm

But once again I say "Amen," and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls,

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I am with you."

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

All these songs have the same idea. God is bigger than our pain. It may not be healed right now. But God is with me. He will lead me with His mercies through this valley. I will learn more how to trust God through this grief, and he will stay with me. So, as I wait for another night to find out what is going to happen tomorrow, I try and rest in the Lord through these words of truth of others. And once again, I try to remember that I'll trust you God, with where I am and believe that you will have your way. Just have your way.

"Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." - Hebrews 10:36